Smallville:Scion_S10_Ep16

(filed under Scorch’s review of Smallville:Scion)

"It's like you and Lex fucked and I just popped right out!!"

Fortune was stupidly irritating and an insult to quite a few things. But this crap made me mad. I said I wasn’t gonna waste any more energy being mad at Smallville anymore, but that changed with Scion. It’s just ludicrous. From start to finish. To the point where, I’m at an exasperated loss for words.

But not totally. Also I’ve got a post ‘Scion’ rant that you can see here or here because I had more to say, but the blog post woulda been way too long.

Sequence 1: So Clark superspeeds home to find…Tess! I’m starting to see why Superman doesn’t think to lock the Fortress. He seems to be used to people barging all in his shit. Did he grow up on a farm or something? Oh wait

So after a few awkward pretendy moments of her and Clark ‘catching up’ Tess pretty much drops the bomb(nice ass on Cassidy by the way, that woman is made of sex). Their little ‘project,’ all of a sudden, needs guidance. And he’s outside waiting for Clark, so Clark doesn’t really have a choice. But he’s actually in the barn dead lifting a tractor. And half his DNA comes from Clark.

Now hold on just a damn minute.

-This is yet another slap in the face to Superman continuity. They’ve already introduced SuperGirl, and had her named, booted, and suited before Clark, and had her fly the nanosecond she got out of her watery ship, and rubbed salt in the wound by having her have to teach Clark how to fly. But now they’ve introduced SuperBoy as well. And got him in costume also. So much for Superman being first.

-This has to be one of the most ridiculous character bait and switches since Henry Jimmy. They spent all this time, since Lazarus remember, convincing us that this is Lex Luthor. The Lex Luthor. That he’ll grow up one day to be Michael Rosenbaum. Now all of a sudden…psyche!! This is also a slap in the face to all of Connor Stanhope’s incredible work as young Lex.

-This is just way too soon. Not only are Lois & Clark freakin’ ENGAGED before he puts the costume on, but now he’s a step parent??? Really? HE’S NOT EVEN SUPERMAN YET. And now Lois and Clark are prototypes of the Kents as well? …WHAT??‘Somebody save me’ has never been more appropriate. Save me from this frickin’ show.

Sequence 2: So cut to Lionel and Tess confronting each other in the Cloning facility. John Glover as Lionel is never bad. He’s ever the predator, ever manipulating, ever doing the same thing that Angelus does, telling people the truth to keep them off balance and maneuver them into position for the kill. They are again arguing over the exact same things…Lionel’s abandonment of Tess, this Lionel being Mirror Lionel, Lionel’s regret at the way he played his hand in the Mirror World and trying to fix it in this one, Lex’s role in both worlds, the ‘Luthor legacy,’ and who’s going to get control over Alexander. The thing about this whole quest is that it has now become very Star Warsish. Whether you want to look at Lionel as the Emperor or as Vader himself, either way it seems that a super powered young  offspring of his  has become the key to him taking over the universe and he is hell bent on making that happen. Tess basically seems to agree and leads him to a room to find, supposedly, CloneX’s ‘remains.’ So Lutessa is showing her skills as well.

I’m tired of them arguing over this boy. Especially since we know he’s not the only one, and there are more cloned Lanas too…they just conveniently ignore both points. They also make him too important, just like Lucas did with Anakin in the Star Wars prequels. In the OT, Vader was a part of a large oppressive Empire. In the PT, all of a sudden, he’s the sole person to bring balance to the Force. Sigh. The universe doesn’t have to center around him to make the story work. Same deal here…this is Superman’s story, not ‘Conner either fucks or saves the world.’

I am my own father.

This stuff doesn’t really work out in the Superman universe…Superman never gets better when he has a kid. Like, never. N.e.v.e.r. So cut to the barn, where it seems that in just a short time,

N.E.V.E.R.

Clark and his clone have become pals. And find out that ‘Conner’ is actually an acronym. What the FUCK ever I’m already too disgusted by this lump of coal to care. He’s just a totally different character now, and they conveniently mind wiped him. I can’t even *headdesk* over this shit any more because I’ve broken every desk in my house after watching Smallville. So, the current version of Superboy is indeed a mixed DNA clone, and was indeed a weapon against the heroes at first…it’s just the way that they did it here was a new level of lame. It’s also very irritating that he has all of Superman’s powers…I swear I thought they were going to make him fly. He also shouldn’t be nearly as strong as Superman, because he’s half human….Clark is all kryptonian. Argh. I’m getting a headache. So Clark of course reveals that he’s super powered, and that he’s The Blur and AlexConnerEl is freaked out. So Clark is his dad. Er brother. Oh whatever.

The next scene was totally predictable…in walks Lois, and you know what was coming next. Sigh. Conner takes a gander at those curves, and heat vision activate! Everything that we’ve watched Clark deal with for years happens to this boy toy in minutes. Just kill me now. They’re playing this out better on Young Justice anyway. Plus that Kent barn wall has been destroyed so many times I’ve lost count.

Sequence 3: “So Alexander is now Conner? Well I guess if Puff Daddy can become Diddy and Prince can be that squiggly thing, but I’m worried about what’s underneeeeath!” It’s not possible for the characters on this show not to talk in quips. We know this. But it’s old now. And yes Lois, he is indeed the lovechild of Clark and Lex. Giving yet another wink to the fact that everyone knows that Clex has been the main couple on this show all along. But then…Clark asks Lois to basically co-parent with him. I guess they thought that mentioning the blood sample from Helen Bryce would give us a continuity squee, but if I’d known it was going to turn into this….yrgh. I’m convinced at this point that ‘Fortune’ was actually a story about how the writers decide to write these episodes. Drunk, fucking, stealing other people’s property, making utter fools of themselves and forgetting everything the next day. All of a sudden Clark is responsible. Again. And he makes an impassioned speech to Lois about being an outsider and a freak. That part of the conversation I thought was well done…until they got to, “the ONLY thing that’s ever made me feel normal…is you.”

Really Clark?

Please STFU.

So Tess wants to get Lois to manipulate Clark to kill Lionel. Tess could just kill him her damn self. And they make it seem so dangerous, because Lionel knows about Kryptonite…so they hatch a plan to expose the fact that this is Mirror Lionel and not the original Lionel. Know why that’s lame? Because they could’ve, and should’ve, thought of that right away.

So Lionel figures out that Conner is alive, but of course we knew he would. He charges off to get him. Meanwhile the SuperTwins are practicing heat vision and other shit in the barn. Again. Clark lectures his younger Clone about the responsibilities that come with super abilities. This is a really ironic scene, SINCE CLARK CAN’T FLY YET, AND KARA IS STILL TEACHING HIM. But whatever, it’s Smallville.

Tess shows up, and Clark seems pleased that Conner is learning faster than he did, BUT EVERYBODY LEARNS FASTER THAN CLARK DOES. And, of course, Conner overhears the conversation, because it took Clark years to develop super hearing, and Conner does it in days. Remember that even Kara had to practice, but Conner’s already got it down pat. I’m about to throw up. So those two lunkheads forget that ConCon has super hearing, even though he just reminded Clark earlier about it, and he finds out, unceremoniously, that he is also a Luthor. Then he speeds off to explore that truth. Already, before we even get to the mess later, this is straight out of Angel. Fred and Gunn are supposed to be keeping Connor preoccupied while his fathers duke it out, and they spill the beans forgetting that he has super hearing. And he charges off into the fray. Just great. I’m running out of ways to say ‘this shit pissed me off.’  I need to invent some new curse words just for Smallville. How about ‘ripfuck?’ Because everything they do on this show, they rip it the fuck off from somewhere else.

Know what’s really funny? Chloe can always hack into anything, and Lois is always breaking and entering. And you know what else is funny. Lois. ALWAYS. gets. caught. It never fails. Her espionage schemes never once don’t result in her getting captured. Oh and stripped down to a boob revealing wife beater, because we can’t have an episode of Smallville that doesn’t remind us that ERICA HAS BIG TITTIES. Blah blah break in, blah blah Lionel with a gun, blah blah, Lois in a chair being interrogated. But she’s ‘tough as nails.’ Lois Lane is so smart and progressive and admirable and independent. Right. She’s so smart that she’s always getting captured and would’ve ended up dead a thousand times over without a super save from someone. But whatever.

Sequence 4: Conner is in the remains of the burned to the fucking ground Luthor mansion, and I must say that that is one set I was sorry to see go. The Talon not so much, but the Luthor mansion was the shit. Darth Lionel starts spinning his web again…and together they can rule the galaxy. Luckily ConnerXander doesn’t really trust him, but guess what happens next? That’s right boys and girls, Red Kryptonite. Lionel convinces him to put the ring on, and guess what happens next? You know it. Conner turns to the Dark Side…the Luthor that’s within. Again, every plot point we watched Clark experience over YEARS they do with this fool in minutes.

So Lois is getting her ass kicked as Lionel starts the Luthor Tutelage.

"You don't scare me motherfucker!! ....unless... you have like some anti-silicon bullets in that gun."

I swear I love Lionel, he doesn’t give a damn about anyone or any thing. He confronts Lois and he’s about to take her out, but then it’s Conner to the rescue!! But why, I thought he was evil? Or Luthorized? Or whatever. “I’m not the Lionel you knew.” Loved that shit. So he fires and Comical is faster than a speeding bullet and they’re off. And as soon as he put Lois down, I knew what was going to happen.

Cordy and Connor all over again.

"Come fuck me my son."

At least they had the common sense of not letting Lois fall for it, or get into it, or they would’ve completely ruined her character the way that Joss ruined Cordelia’s. but it was still cringe inducing to watch. From his lame attempts to impress her, to his seeming attempts at foreplay, to what is being debated as a prelude to…attempted rape? Or murder? Was Conner threatening to kill Lois or bone her? And how does he know how to drive by the way? Who taught him? And Lionel is on top of it all, as usual, Ten steps ahead. That’s why I love Lionel.

"So many secweth and lieth!!" ...It's no secret that you're a whore, though.

Clark confronts Lionel, and again, Clark acts like Batman. Not Superman. Just out of character in that scene. But anyway, Clark always says “I won’t let you hurt him.” There are some great throwback lines in this scene though, about how Lex was Clark’s closest friend(which, by the way, was not true, but still fun to watch), and how it was Clark’s “secrets and lies” that destroyed Lex, not Lionel’s manipulation. Secweth and lieth I tell ya!! The Lana Mantra!!!

Somehow this pervert thinks that Lois in a pimp fur coat and taking her to the burned mansion is romantic and sexy, and just whatever.  Then he freaking throws her across the room. Holy cow he IS Anakin, that was a Skywalker move if I ever saw one. “I love you and you’ll do what I say, Bitch!”

Sequence 5: They are just making Smallville even more of a joke in this final season. It’s really kind of shameful to be honest. So Lois wakes up to find that she’s a prisoner/hostage again. This is like her theme. And it’s such a dark, goth, eerie macabre seduction by Conner, but maybe that’s the point. So Lois plays along, but he catches on, because she is indeed a terrible liar. But how, exactly, would Conner know that? He manhandles her some more, and Lois has had her ass kicked all day now, but whatevers, she should be made of concussions by now. Clark shows up, and confronts him, and Conner just kicks his ass. It’s scenes like that that make me hate this show. Newly minted Superboy should not be stronger or a better fighter than Superman. Period.

"Smallville writers? I know where you live."

But what the fuck ever. Clark has to get his ass kicked every time someone even kind of powerful shows up, must be in Tom Welling’s contract. So Clark eventually slams his hand back and destroys the ring, but guess who then pops up with some Green K? Big Pimp Daddy Lionel. And floors both of them, but drags Conner away…and then Conner has to save Clark the exact same way Supergirl did, by heat visioning the kryptonite from a distance. Even though Conner had ZERO CONTROL over his heat vision aim earlier. Then all of a sudden he knows who he is. Just great. Identity crisis over then.

Sequence 6: Back at Luthorcorp, Lionel is listening to opera, and Lutessa interrupts him. She was smart to do what she did to get rid of him, and just as stupid TO TELL LIONEL WHAT SHE DID. How in the world would she not think that this would just not show him how to cover his tracks the next time he makes a bid for the Luthor assets? Because he will. But of course Lutessa has nanotrackers in his scotch, which was a nice evil twist…and then Tess’s line about “I will crush you.” That was nice. Empty, but nice. Tess is another one who is a mix, and Lionel reminds her of that. This is not the end of Lionel, because he never goes away quietly and expects to be killed at any moment by his own children. A true Dark Lord of the Sith.

Clark and Conner are back at the barn, kind of back where we started, having almost the same conversation…but whatever. And then the big reveal…the Superboy costume! A busted ass t-shirt with the \S/ shield on it. Just great. So now Conner is Conner Kent…and

"You'll be a hero some day my son. Much faster than me. Then again Daffy Duck became a hero faster than me."

he gets to go to Smallville high. If I didn’t know better I’d say that they were setting up a spinoff.

So that’s it? Conner is just in their lives now…just like that? A super powered step son? How exactly is Clark gonna explain that, and how does he pull that off legally? Probably Tess or Chloe pulling strings I suppose. And of course they mention kids of their own. Sure they do.

And then we get this:Honestly…I don’t really know what to make of that. Darkseid finally shows up, and he’s gonna team up with Lionel to bring Lex back? Conquer the world?  WHAT? *sigh* Darkseid’s a better villain than he’s getting on Smallville. Period. And Lionel needs more to do than follow cliched overused family plots.

Whatever. This shit just pissed me off.

They shoulda stuck with Ultraman.

"Yeah I know it's my show but why *not* have everyone else show up first?"

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