Smallville:Prophecy_S10_Ep20 Part 1

(filed under Scorch’s review of Smallville:Prophecy)

We wants to get hitched, Dad! ....wait I hope this isn't gonna involve any crazy power swi-

Really Smallville? Really? The second to last episode of a historic run of a sci fi/fantasy/superhero show that’s managed to last TEN YEARS on the air, a feat rarely achieved on TV in general and NEVER BEFORE achieved by a superhero show of all things, and THIS is the best you could do for your penultimate episode?

The OTHER historic fact about Smallville besides its length, and the epicness of its protagonist,  is the way it has SQUANDERED an unbelievable amount of opportunities to be GREAT, and has instead settled for mediocrity, lamesauce, or GARBAGE HEAP STANK.

Guess which one Prophecy is?

Previously on Smallville: A basic recap of the so-called Darkseid storyline, this time including KaraBeans, to bring us up to speed, but it only serves to highlight how the whole ‘Darkness’ thing hasn’t been handled with any kind of real consistency, and how this season has felt like a ‘make-it-up-as-they-go-along’ thang moreso than usual. Also, it again reveals how Kara has been both a useless and wasted character on Smallville because she has no personality, and has no purpose other than ShowClarkUpAgain. Plus, the mention of Gold Kryptonite.

Sequence 1: Clark n’ Lois, witty banter, Lois’s office is a Metropolis map. Clark has his glasses on, which means zero to me now. There is nothing even remotely plausible about this version of Clark hiding behind a pair of glasses and bumblocity. This scene also, with the ‘size 14 shoes’ quip, just smacked me in the face with the ‘Superman is just a big dumb hick’ meme. No…he’s not. He’s an alien that looks like a white man that pretends to be dumb so as to not call attention to his true intelligence and power. Everywhere except Smallville. Anyway. Lois discovers Marionette Ventures, and the two super sleuths smell another Supey Doo mystery. But…Clark realizes that there’s one thing that they haven’t covered…telling Jor-El about the nuptials!

Ummm….why? Remember what I said in my video about Clark and Jor-El’s apparent reconciliation happening in Offscreenville? We still have no idea as to what the relationship is between father and son, and it has been one of the most inconsistent things about the show. So….why does Clark need to go before this A.I. and ask him anything? Because Kara told him of ancient customs?

Every time I come here, shit happens. You'd think I'd learn.

Now, I get that this is Smallville’s take on the events of Superman II. We saw the SV version of how Zod & Co. get in the Phantom Zone that we recognize from the DonnerVerse in last week’s Dominion, and this is the spin on Clark asking to spend his life with Lois. But in typical Smallville fashion, what happens is made of dumbass sauce. Short story short….Jor-El’s response is, without any warning mind you, like in both cuts of Superman II, to take Clark’s powers from him and give them to Lois. For a day.

Right.

I know that this happened in All-Star Superman as well, but that event made more sense in the context of what was going on. This is just so full of WTFery until, as far as I’m concerned, it forever seals the fact that Clark’s dad is a Prick-El. Period. It also shows how they basically declare that JorJor is a god on this show, between power transfers, teleportation, telepathy, raising the dead, consciousness transfer, and seeing the future, the only thing this A.I. can’t do is make up his mind about what he’s trying to teach his son. Legroan. Cue the theme.

Sequence 2: Oliver does another great Batman impersonation as he enters a cavern in his quest to find the Bow of Orion which has a Facebook thread. The one item in the universe that can kick Darkseid’s ass. Right. But guess who’s there? Why it’s Kara! Now, there are a few things about this sequence that just had me rolling. First of all, Oliver whips out his bow, as if whoever it was didn’t just blow the element of surprise if they were trying to attack him. Next,

Wotta revoltin' development THIS is. Hope I don't get my period.

Kara says “they’re(the signs) Apokolyptian.” Something about that just struck me as funny, especially when you consider the Supergirl storyline in Batman/Superman and their shared history with Darkseid. Lastly, what’s funniest of all is the fact that Kara is crouched down in the. most. uncomfortable. position…I know that her muscles won’t get tired, but still. Trapped down there, squatting, for weeks now? I’d be freaking crazy. I know she doesn’t need to eat, but how the HELL did she go to the toilet? What if Oliver hadn’t come looking for her, what was her plan? She’s had weeks to come up with one. Batman woulda been outta there in two minutes. What’s also funny is that Oliver and Kara don’t seem to know each other…which I find odd. Clark never bothered to introduce them, even over Skype? Wouldn’t Chloe or Tess have made sure that all the members of the super team at a minimum knew each other, if for no other reason, than for situations like this?

And yes, believe it or not, there actually are Kara and Ollie shippers.

So anyway, they discover that they’re both after the Bow of Orion. Kara does her multilingual thing, translates the Prophecy, and Oliver figures out how to turn off the Death Ray. Seems that Orion is the Riddler…he’s got to tell you what he’s doing on the off chance that you’ll need to escape his death traps or find the bow or something. Sure. Because he’d want to make a failsafe for a burglary trap. Right.

Could ya maybe tell somebody next time what you're doing?

And it would be simple to locate and activate, y’know, in case the thieves had partners or something. Mmm hmm. So our Brave and the Bold team form an uneasy partnership, and go after their mutual goal. Davy Jones hea-I mean the Bow of Orion.

So back at that Planet, and as always: 1) The show won’t miss a chance to make Clark look like an idiot, bonus points if it’s at the hand of a woman. 2) Somebody that gets Clark’s powers by accident seems to master most of them instantly, after it’s taken Clark years to do so, with training from Jor-El. 3) Both Lois and Clark are completely careless about both talking about and using the abilities in public. 4) There’s never any consequences for a human body containing that kind of power…Clark’s body is kryptonian, and it’s his physiology that makes those powers possible, but every time a human gets them, there’s no detrimental effects. Except of course for Jonathan, because the plot required it. Sure. 5) It’s unclear as to what Jor-El’s goal is, but he puts Clark and Lois and the rest of the world in mortal danger to accomplish it. Just great. Anyway they figger and she whooshes and he preaches and then they leave together.

Sequence 3: At a cafe, on the only street in Metropolis, it seems that Lois has been doing some super saves, and enjoying it. Well who wouldn’t? And again, she shows an instant ability to use speed, strength, and arctic breath(thank you very much), all without any seeming screwups. And then of course she uses super hearing, but at least it takes her a second to fine tune it.

Oh come on. This is her REAL power, ain't it?

The good thing about this scene is the explanation of how Clark has to prioritize his saves…that was really good, and makes Superman look intelligent and thoughtful for a change. So the shop owner is being robbed, Lois rushes off, hurls the perpetrator through the wall, again in plain sight of the store owner, with no thought of, oh I dunno, maybe keeping a low profile, or potential broken bones in the suspect? Anyway. Shock o’ shocks, it’s Star Girl. My absolute least favorite guest star from the DC Universe. She is also totally useless and unnecessary in this episode.

Cut back to Green Arrow and Supergirl in the mystic Apoko caves, and they’re a figgerin’ and a fussin’ about the bow. GA gets a lesson from Kara on the history between Orion and Darkseid, which was geeky cool. And again with this ‘worthy’ thing. Balancing light and darkness, Ollie says. Makes no sense for a weapon this powerful. More on that later. They figure out…somehow…that it requires a double arrow shot to open the door, hitting both triggers at the same time. Um. That’s not a bad plan for keeping it concealed, but how the heck did they figure that out? Were they just assuming the same logic based on the trap? So Ollie whips out his spare bow, which makes sense, but Kara, which I assume has never shot an arrow in her life…requires not even a mini lesson on what to do? And again with the ‘trust’ thing. The more you talk about trust, the less of it you have. Lana taught us that.

Still funny that Supergirl hasn’t said “hold on I need to pee” yet either. I think it’s safe to say that it’s best to watch Smallville as a Silver Age adaptation. That will cause less headaches. So of course, they hit it perfectly the first time that they do it[insert eye roll], and again I have to wonder why Orion would even hide such a thing on Earth. They go to retrieve it, but yikes! Kara has a Cordy vision! …Okay not actually that, but it’s Jor-El, using his Professor X powers to summon her back to the Fortress. For Zod knows why. And I have to wonder…where does Kara live? Anyway, that leaves Ollie alone with the bow bow bow your boat.

At one point, they get married. No, SERIOUSLY.

She’s “trusting him now.”

Wish I could say the same about the writers and my hopes for the finale after watching just HALF of this episode.

Continued in Part 2

Translation: "This is only gonna get stupider."

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